Warning: This story mentions gun violence and suicide ideation. If you or anyone you know needs help, contact the National Suicide Hotline 988 (1-800-273-8255).
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Victoria said to her son, “I had a dream and I saw you dead.”
In the Bible, the story of Joseph glorifies the full power of God who uses all things, even evil, for good.
This is Victoria’s story. It is a modern day example of how putting God in the center of your life can turn tragedy into good.
She knew being a single parent would not be easy, so Victoria took her son to church. She wanted their relationship to be rooted in faith. At first, everything was good. But, as Victoria’s son grew into a teenager, things got more difficult. He had his own mind. He had his own ideas. He wanted to do things his own way. And his way did not always include talking to God or people at church. Victoria, however, knew that conversations with God are crucial. She asked Him, “Where are you?”
Against Victoria’s wishes, her son spent a lot of time at his grandma’s house. Life was easier there. Grandma was very lenient with rules. Victoria attempted many things to ensure her rules were being followed. None of them worked. Eventually, she had to take her own mother to court. The judge ruled that her son could not stay with Grandma while he was still a minor. This time Victoria asked God, “Show me what he needs. Show me the difference between love and tough love. And keep me grounded.”
The next few years were tough. The communication between Victoria and her son was scarce. He lost his job and was depressed. He started using drugs and alcohol. He was not interested in anything to do with God or the church. The stress, worry, and anxiety took a toll on Victoria. She was often physically sick. But she continued to ask God, “Where are you?”
Slowly, their relationship improved. One May, he gave Victoria flowers and a nice card for Mother’s Day. But he was still spending a lot of time at Grandma’s house. Fortunately, she spoke to him on the phone and went to lunch regularly, but Victoria continued to worry. She went back to God and asked Him, “Is he really happy? What is really going on with him?”
Then, her worst nightmare happened. Literally. The dream that her son was going to die became a reality.
The stress on Victoria’s body reached a peak and she was hospitalized. Even in an exhausted state, she knew something was wrong. She told her daughter, “I am leaving whether they discharge me or not.” True to her word, the next day, she started to leave. Suddenly, Victoria felt an invisible force slam into her body. She stumbled, but recovered quickly. Victoria didn’t know what happened, but she didn’t care. All she knew was something had happened to her son. This time, she spoke in anger, “Lord, you said you would protect him!”
When she reached the crime scene, the police wouldn’t let Victoria see her son. With the help of her friend, a former police officer, they finally relented. She rushed forward but she felt an invisible force again. This time, it was gentle. Victoria didn’t realize it at the time, but the gentle force was God’s hand. In His mercy, He stopped Victoria from seeing her son shot and dying in the street.
In the difficult season Victoria now faced, God continued to protect her. She felt surrounded by a deep fog. Looking back at the journals she wrote at the time, she admitted, “I don’t know where Victoria was. It was all God.”
The fog slowly lifted, but it was replaced by darkness. A darkness that makes people feel utterly alone and the deepest despair. Victoria was no different. Her anger and rage intensified. The tears finally came. She did not talk to God, she screamed at Him, “Why?”
Victoria just wanted the pain to end and she saw only one way for that to happen. But the Holy Spirit was with her on the night she sat alone in her car with a gun on the passenger seat. Instead of picking up the gun, Victoria picked up her phone and called a friend. He jumped into action and got her to voluntarily admit herself into a behavioral health hospital.
After intense therapy at the hospital and as part of an on-going treatment plan, Victoria felt more calm. She understood that she mattered. She heard God say, “Go home. Make everything quiet. I need you to hear me clearly.” So she did. It was at her mother’s house, the house where her son had spent so much time, that she had a vision of him. He simply said, “Mom, when are you going to smile again?” Victoria knew his real message was “I’m OK now.”
That night gave Victoria the courage to ask God, “What am I supposed to be doing?” His response was shocking, but very clear. She started sending letters to one of the people involved in the shooting that killed her son. The young man was rejected by his family after being sent to prison. He did not know God. Victoria wanted to change that.
Though she will never fully heal from the death of Jalen, Victoria is always obedient to God by doing His work to turn evil into good. Through it all, she gets on her knees and says, “God I need you and I can’t do this without you. I don’t even want to do it without you.”